Sinking Ship

10 Jul

I’m pretty critical and hard on myself. Lately I will think about minor things like the tone of this blog and berate myself because its not all hunky dory pure sunshine the kind that inspires and lifts others up or postings about my success in activism and volunteering and oh well look at her she’s making a difference in the community, the world, etc

So here is the truth. I have depression and anxiety. This past weekend I have spent hours of my life crying because well I am depressed. I cry pretty much all the time now. That nasty sobbing kindof crying, the kind of crying I am deeply embarrassed by and ashamed of because at my previous all time worse, I would never have cried this much or felt so inadeaquate. I cry because I feel hopeless. I cry because after each day suicide becomes more and more of a real option and the lines between sanity and rationality are wearing down because suicide isn’t even scaring me anymore.

So here it is let’s be real. It’s hard to be a role model or social justice warrior when your life is consumed by depression and running on hopelessness. It’s hard to speak out on racism and homophobia when  you can’t even speak up for yourself. I don’t know. My most recent low realistcially isn’t even the bottom or the worst to come…I could keep going and talk about the physical pain that accompanies my depression or how it takes so much to even get out of bed each day but bottom line remains: I don’t know how much more I can take

 

 

Moms

8 May

Ok so heres the deal I just deleted my original post to say bottom line: if you get along with your mom and get manicures once a week and giggle over boys like teenagers together, good for you.

But please have respect for people like me, who do not have that and stop trying to blame it on (me) being a bad child or whatever bullshit…..

Yes I love my mom. Yes I try hard to understand and respect her. Yes the woman either due to faulty birthcontrol or whathaveyou decided to have me, birthed me, cared for me But we just are two very different people. She has my brother to hangout with, go on those fantastic shopping trips, and hair appointment tagalongs. I get the overworked, unhappy, persistently ranting mom who makes jokes at my expense and when I am too honest with my feelings she just shuts me out because she cannot and willnot handle or deal with me. (Yes she has said this)

I am someone for her to rant to on a regular basis, I am someone who goes on errands for her even if it means going out of my way and stopping at yet another location to get exactly what she wants…but we will not be best friends or have this crazy gilmore-esque relationship.

And its not my fault. Its just not in the cards.

So happy mothers days to those lucky ones who are the best of friends and I’m sorry to those who have lost their mothers or donot have a mom in their own life.

I hope one day to join your ranks as well and thats a dream worth remembering and even fighting for.:)

Personal Update-Not fitting in

7 Mar

Hello!

So I have recently discovered I need to blog to save my remaining sanity or to regain sanity!

I ended up back home with my parents, aunt, brother, grandpa etc

I would NEVER recommend this to anyone (not even an enemy…) unless it was really necessary aka you will be homeless now or in the immediate future

Don’t do it to please your family, think that you could help them out, WHATEVER

Seriously it is my wife and I, and our 3 beautiful cat babies confined to a single room that neither gets enough heat in the winter OR enough cooling in the summer….

Originally the plan was to move an hour south to Kalamazoo to finish my degree at university, we had the housing lined up, the apartment number in hand

ALL WAS SET AND ALL WAS GOOD

Then I had sneaky doubts and guilt…I hadn’t lived with or near my family in 5-6 years…I was missing out and certain person(s) were having health issues..

I THOUGHT i could live at home and help out when they needed me and peace (or indifference ) would reign supreme….oh the naivete

SO now I’m commuting a minimum of 4 days a week to a university that is 35 minutes away and well….not living the dream.

From my current location I have to drive 20-25 minutes to the closest chain coffee shop and pretty much everything is like that….I have a doctor’s appointment 20 minutes away….need to go to the grocery store another 20 minutes

I do not have much privacy at home nor do I have a place to do homework….

which has led to increasing trips BACK to my uni to do homework for hours on the weekend OR to coffeehouses, especially one that has a bottomless mug gimmick attached to it, while increasing hostilities grow at home…..my mom resents me being gone so much while my dad thinks I have serious cash because we are gone so much (far from the truth)

ONE example (because there are many)

I do errands, clean up after myself, run errands for my mom sometimes multiple times almost always out of the way…..obviously we do our own laundry, and my wife does chores as well around the house. Other examples: Over the summer when we were packing to leave our independence….apartment….. we helped clean and ready my family’s house for an appraisal then months after that we helped close the pool….

Yet for some reason, my family thinks we do nothing and we don’t get the satisfaction of hearing a simple “thank you” very often at all….

and there are others living there for free way past the expiration of needing to live there but i constantly feel singled out and my wife does to, yet there are no defined rules on what we need to do….

TYPICALLY right now I would go on a rant about my brother and how he didn’t help for the house appraisal or the pool closing, and any chores he says he’ll do typically fall to my wife for completion but…oh well right, why even keep on that train?

The bottom line of my journey so far….I have learned I will never live up to my family’s expectations nor do I even want to try anymore. The standards set for me are infinitely higher and the expectations are never ending from any given  individual person like my mom or dad, to my aunt or grandpa. I can’t please everyone, especially NEVER at once….

I mean realistically folks, how I can I live up to standards and expectations that are constantly on the rise, with a people who are NEVER happy or even satisfied with what I do?!

SO yeah I’m stressed. my wife’s stressed, the cats are oblivious, and I might need inpatient soon. YAY adulthood.

 

 

Real Rape?

7 Mar

So right now I’m stumbling through a piece on sexual harassment on the internet…..

At first I was very stubborn to this idea that sexual harassment online could be potentially harmful then I wondered….seriously I doubted the validity of any information that could come from this article that I’m reading for my Sociology of Gender class (I pretty much never question my professor or her authority; I mean she has a PHD and has read 100s of books on gender, WHO AM I TO QUESTION THAT?!?!)

AND then I wondered could perhaps my recent incident online be connected to SH?!

So I found an article that a “progressive left wing feminist” person on my friend list had liked on FB.

Essentially this “feminist” had liked a criticism of an article on rape and blurred lines, a particularly angry woman saying that the raped demographic in this article were not actually raped and could not nor should they cry wolf…obviously they hadn’t even been raped. 

Why would a self-proclaimed feminist woman from the 21st century buy into this crap one might ask?

Because the article itself was written by a woman (and with other women in mind from similar situations) that had technically not taken away consent but visibly did not want sex. No these weren’t one stand situations but rather with a well-established partner….

Perhaps I’m doing a poor example of describing this reaction/ criticism of the women and the actual article itself.

From my experience, in my first serious relationship that was a “straight” relationship because I was in fact with a hetero, cis male, this happened to me quite often.

I was not suffering from mere regret of having bad sex (as the critical woman stated) but rather I had an established friendship with my then boyfriend which then turned into a real relationship of which he knew me very well.

There were lets say…a dozen or more times that during sex my ex boyfriend noticed I was visibly uncomfortable and did not seem to want sex because of my facial expressions, body language, and lack of any positive words, sounds, etc

Sometimes he would even ask if we should continue….usually he didn’t care what my response was or if i even had one. good, bad, etc grossly enough I have heard the argument, “well I’m almost done so…..”

And it made me so mad that these feminist women of today were arguing that wasn’t a gray area, that couldn’t even be considered rape…..

I hadn’t given my continuous consent, sometimes I didn’t even know what I had wanted, nor did I have the time or space to decide my consent seemed to be decided for me.

Maybe this doesn’t seem like “real rape” to some of you as well, I can’t change that for you.

All I can give is my opinion, personal experiences and let it be known via some media that I have had sexual experiences that existed in a weird gray area, and at some points bled its way into a raped experience.

All I can say is that in the past, I was disempowered and my partner knew me well and would even realize when he was overstepping some boundary he shouldn’t have been….

Because yes I believe it’s completely possible for a partner to know you well enough to know you do not want sex and they shouldn’t push it.

End of story I actually reported this to FB to be reviewed because there was a woman saying that these women were lying about being raped and they were just dissatisfied with their sex lives and they shutup and stop complaining because it’s nothing like being raped. And FB did nothing….they supposedly reviewed my request and said well its not really hateful or sexist or anything…..have a good day! I even wrote them back saying they should not be tolerating sexism, discrimination, and making rape into a punchline

I never report to FB either. But I would do it again.

Is not rape about consent and power folks? Is not rape that can happen to anyone in any context? IF A SPOUSE can be raped, than how is this too not an example of rape?

what is REAL rape anyways?!

 

 

 

 

The Perpetually Unhappy Blogger

3 Aug

I was excited for the future and transferring schools, and well moving on with my life.
I’ve been diagnosed with a more mild form of bipolar or i guess something with a very similar symptom set to bipolar and is a mood disorder.. . I’m getting tested for Autism soon.
Both positives because atleast this way I can get treatment that matches up with my reality. I’m starting the process of being medicated not for just depression but a mood disorder that is hypomanic as well.
It’s kinda a great relief and at the same time scary because I’m not sure how long it will take to actually see inprovement.
Which leads into my next point, I’m  moving in the next few weeks. So I have to give up the first therapist that actually seems to understand me and seems to be helping me because of the move and start all over again.
And we are moving in with my parents….and my brother and my aunt and my grandpa and his girlfriend….
Shit is about to get real.

It’s Not a Magic a trick

2 Mar

Abuse doesn’t just magically disappear. This post, these revelations have been building up inside my mind for months now. I am officially  two years out of an abusive relationship.
However, if someone would have asked me if I had ever been abused a year or 3 years ago I would have thought they were the insane one.
Its taken me two years to realize I was in an abusive relationship and it wasn’t my fault or something I deserved.
My abuse started  out subtley and gradually escalated over time.
I was with my X for nearly 5 years of my life. I thought he truly cared about me, my life, that he respected and loved me. After we were officially done I tried to rationalize the abuse by saying well I can see I pushed him or maybe we were just horrible for each other.
And I’m here to say what a fucking lie.
The last time my X physically abused me was 6-7months after the initial police report, night in jail, and month long no contact order. It was a few months after I told a judge that I felt like he could be helped. It was a few months after he had been in court ordered anger mangement (that I drove him to for…..6 months once a week…maybe more..) on a day that I would have called and still refer to as a good day. WE were having a “good day” News Years Eve when he snapped. Again.
We had been watching twilight zone and eating pizza. We were getting along. And then I went up to him and asked who he was emailing because he left the room to type and his response was rage. Was I being sarcastic or bitchy when I asked him this question? No but it was enough to set him off. He just yelled and yelled, he grabbed me when I turned away and forcibly dragged me into the room while I was kicking and yelling. My memory is blurry but the next thing I remember is wanting to leave but he would not allow it so I lay crying in his bed feeling broken and alone. I felt like my life was over and that I had no one.
After his anger waned I went on.a drive alone. Crusing the ice ridden streets late at night. I had no one to call, no one to talk.
Abusive people are good at what they do. They know a person’s weaknesses and how to isolate. I went with my X away to university 2 hours away from home from family from my friends from everyone that I knew. Over the course of the relationship I would try at times to make friends and be apart of groups but it never lasted. My X would say that I just didn’t feel like it but the truth is I felt like I couldn’t have my own interests, my own friends, my own identity apart from him. Every so often he would tell me I should join a group but surprise surprise it always conflicted with his schedule.
I was always accused of not spending enough time with him.
When in reality, I was always with him. Every day, every meal, after class, befor class, he was there.
I thought there was something wrong with me.
He was creating friendships at university. He was apart of groups. He was doing good academically. He graduted on time. He got into a Master’s program.
And I had no one. I became close friends with depression. I rarely attended class. I dropped most classes. My financial aid dropped me. I had no friends I had no one at a university two hours from home.
Along the way I tried to blame my relationship problems on various things. First it was religious differences, then it was us going in two different directions, and finally I blamed myself for the fights, the tears, the pain, and the loneliness.
The more I think the more I remember  times were the abuse was obvious not only to myself but to roommates and strangers.
Sometimes he would just throw a fit, another time he would take all my books and papers throw them, yell, and walk off when we in the middle of campus.
One time i was driving on the freeway and we were fighting and he was yelling so loud it hurt and then he bit my arm.
Another time he slapped me right across the face. He then started pushing me around physically whe  he was angry, throwing me into the ground. He didn’t leave bruises but isn’t that abuse? 
But it was more than just the physical, the mental was far worse. He always made me feel like I was the crazy irrational one….leaving out details and lying. Because see, he had a life while I didn’t.  He was friends with professors, leader of a student group, friends and more friends….
Today I was just so mad because I vouched for him to the judge that he could and would change, but if that was true would he have hurt me months later? Dragging me across the room with no way out…would he physically have kept me locked in there?
The night the police were called on him, infact, I was so messed up that I was ok with police involvement because I was more worried about him then myself.

So here I am two years later trying to reclaim my life, restore my identity, that was almost disappeared.
Realizing I was being abused and manipulated for years by someone I thought I could trust.  And if anyone thinks that that previous abuse can’t still affect me now or that it didn’t mess with my life. I will tell you this. Before my X i was an A, B student at a private catholic high school. I had ambitions to go into women and gender studies, to become this great activist for women. Two years later I am transferring to.a.different university to gradute, a new city because in 5 years i somehow couldn’t graduate……
I am being diagnosed left and right with severe depression. I physically hurt from my depression and am constantly tired. I am starting a strong antidepressant.
My X, my abuser his life, for now is doing great. New relationship new job, on track for masters degree. From what i know, no one knows about his arrest his abusive “past.”  He took mutual friends with him and a story of me being gay or bitchy or both possibly.
I don’t know. I don’t know how to make sense of any of this but I’m trying.
I guess I’m just trying to say I was abused, I was in an abusive relationship for years, and almost no one knows about it.
But theres still hope for me and my future. And i understand why its so hard to leave an abuser because it can takes years to even process it.
When I was still with him he would try to censor my feelings about his arrest and the abuse by telling me I was trying to get people to hate him. You know all those strangers that I don’t know, who don’t know me, might realize I was being abused.
My current relationship suffers from the trust issues that were bred from my X. Oh And from my X constantly giving me friendly advice to just leave her. I should have realized I had been abused when I was questioning why with K i dont just have a breakdown or yell like how I used to then it seemed to trace back to him. Its not normal to freak out how I used to. Its not normal to be so used to being raged at that when you fight with your current gf, your not too shaken because the thundering voice volume and actions aren’t being used against you, like you were soo used to.

18 Oct

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New addition to the cat family.:)
Little Roo. She was found outside and technically the ones who found her didn’t/couldn’t care or keep her.
Sooooo cat#3
4-5months old and by far our healthiest kitten. Loves to cuddle and the best part being, Roo and Stitch already have a relationship where they will play together.

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This is a happy time compared to all the other junk going on.

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