Countdown

3 Jun

Keeper of controversy

23 May

The C word

29 Nov

I’m currently trying to wrap my head around my aunt’s diagnosis. Cancer the most dreaded of all the C words. My heart is wounded and I’m trying to google ways to support someone who has cancer…
I called her and I meant what I said : I’ll be there if she wants or needs me. I’ll drive her to appointments and make her food and go on errand runs, I’ll do anything possible to make this the best situation for her.
I don’t want to lose her
I’ll update later when I’m in a better state
Positive vibes, prayers always welcome and appreciated
(Unless you trying to pray my gay away of course)

That Concession Speech, HRC, and all the Feels

16 Nov

So imagine this, today I sit hunched over my laptop typing away at an effort to make sense of this US 2016 Presidential election. Where am I you ask? Well my local Starbucks of course! I know I know, local is always better! BUT here me out: 1.) I am nearly broke with Starbucks gift moneys on hand 2.) Starbucks has quite recently changed their bathrooms from the binary “men” and “women” to unisex/either or; who knew the bathroom fiasco could have been fixed so easily and quickly, am I right??
Recently, as in 30 minutes or so ago, I finally conceded and listened to Kaine and HRC give the big concession speech.

My most prominent reaction would be this: what a classy lady, Queen Bee of my heart.  And also the silent tears that kept on rolling down my face as I was driving and listening to HRC speak…..

My heart feels broken. I’ve felt this slow pain and deep hurt buildup in my heart since late election night, when the results were not looking as hopeful as others had predicted. So around 11:30pm I got in my car to drive….and kept driving because driving makes me feel like I have some semblance of control over my own life, like I can go anywhere and do anything and be anyone….

When others have outright said I’m just a sore loser or being over dramatic, all I can say is this:

I am an openly gay married woman

I am a person who is Autistic

I am tattooed

I am educated and an informed American citizen

I am constantly  silenced, ignored, and walked all over by friends/peers/family/etc.

I would not be crying if it were not for victors being so blatantly racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic….in fact when I watched a clip of Rachel Maddow being barely able to hold herself together discussing future VP Pence, I was realized my fears were completely vindicated and that I should infact be concerned and deeply worried.

HRC promised improvement and expansion on services for Autistic persons and their families, she spoke of having the backs of the LGBT community, she spoke of how receiving an education shouldn’t be such a heavy burden that weighs on the people my age (and those to come) simply because we are not rich and easy targets, she spoke of America as a safe haven and to take pride in our diversity….

To get past myself now, HRC was for the disabled, the Muslims, the immigrants, the Latinx, the working class, the women of our country.

I’ll attempt to wrap this up now by saying I am your ally, “the Other American” in the sense that if I see you being harassed on the bus for your hijab, I will step up and defend you, when someone spray paints “dyke” or “fag” on your car I’ll be there to hold you in your rage and sadness, I will not sit back and let the haters fill the void with their harassment and crimes. I will be there for you, because I love you and I stand by you as a fellow American and as a decent f***ing human being.

Sinking Ship

10 Jul

I’m pretty critical and hard on myself. Lately I will think about minor things like the tone of this blog and berate myself because its not all hunky dory pure sunshine the kind that inspires and lifts others up or postings about my success in activism and volunteering and oh well look at her she’s making a difference in the community, the world, etc

So here is the truth. I have depression and anxiety. This past weekend I have spent hours of my life crying because well I am depressed. I cry pretty much all the time now. That nasty sobbing kindof crying, the kind of crying I am deeply embarrassed by and ashamed of because at my previous all time worse, I would never have cried this much or felt so inadeaquate. I cry because I feel hopeless. I cry because after each day suicide becomes more and more of a real option and the lines between sanity and rationality are wearing down because suicide isn’t even scaring me anymore.

So here it is let’s be real. It’s hard to be a role model or social justice warrior when your life is consumed by depression and running on hopelessness. It’s hard to speak out on racism and homophobia when  you can’t even speak up for yourself. I don’t know. My most recent low realistcially isn’t even the bottom or the worst to come…I could keep going and talk about the physical pain that accompanies my depression or how it takes so much to even get out of bed each day but bottom line remains: I don’t know how much more I can take

 

 

Moms

8 May

Ok so heres the deal I just deleted my original post to say bottom line: if you get along with your mom and get manicures once a week and giggle over boys like teenagers together, good for you.

But please have respect for people like me, who do not have that and stop trying to blame it on (me) being a bad child or whatever bullshit…..

Yes I love my mom. Yes I try hard to understand and respect her. Yes the woman either due to faulty birthcontrol or whathaveyou decided to have me, birthed me, cared for me But we just are two very different people. She has my brother to hangout with, go on those fantastic shopping trips, and hair appointment tagalongs. I get the overworked, unhappy, persistently ranting mom who makes jokes at my expense and when I am too honest with my feelings she just shuts me out because she cannot and willnot handle or deal with me. (Yes she has said this)

I am someone for her to rant to on a regular basis, I am someone who goes on errands for her even if it means going out of my way and stopping at yet another location to get exactly what she wants…but we will not be best friends or have this crazy gilmore-esque relationship.

And its not my fault. Its just not in the cards.

So happy mothers days to those lucky ones who are the best of friends and I’m sorry to those who have lost their mothers or donot have a mom in their own life.

I hope one day to join your ranks as well and thats a dream worth remembering and even fighting for. 🙂

Personal Update-Not fitting in

7 Mar

Hello!

So I have recently discovered I need to blog to save my remaining sanity or to regain sanity!

I ended up back home with my parents, aunt, brother, grandpa etc

I would NEVER recommend this to anyone (not even an enemy…) unless it was really necessary aka you will be homeless now or in the immediate future

Don’t do it to please your family, think that you could help them out, WHATEVER

Seriously it is my wife and I, and our 3 beautiful cat babies confined to a single room that neither gets enough heat in the winter OR enough cooling in the summer….

Originally the plan was to move an hour south to Kalamazoo to finish my degree at university, we had the housing lined up, the apartment number in hand

ALL WAS SET AND ALL WAS GOOD

Then I had sneaky doubts and guilt…I hadn’t lived with or near my family in 5-6 years…I was missing out and certain person(s) were having health issues..

I THOUGHT i could live at home and help out when they needed me and peace (or indifference ) would reign supreme….oh the naivete

SO now I’m commuting a minimum of 4 days a week to a university that is 35 minutes away and well….not living the dream.

From my current location I have to drive 20-25 minutes to the closest chain coffee shop and pretty much everything is like that….I have a doctor’s appointment 20 minutes away….need to go to the grocery store another 20 minutes

I do not have much privacy at home nor do I have a place to do homework….

which has led to increasing trips BACK to my uni to do homework for hours on the weekend OR to coffeehouses, especially one that has a bottomless mug gimmick attached to it, while increasing hostilities grow at home…..my mom resents me being gone so much while my dad thinks I have serious cash because we are gone so much (far from the truth)

ONE example (because there are many)

I do errands, clean up after myself, run errands for my mom sometimes multiple times almost always out of the way…..obviously we do our own laundry, and my wife does chores as well around the house. Other examples: Over the summer when we were packing to leave our independence….apartment….. we helped clean and ready my family’s house for an appraisal then months after that we helped close the pool….

Yet for some reason, my family thinks we do nothing and we don’t get the satisfaction of hearing a simple “thank you” very often at all….

and there are others living there for free way past the expiration of needing to live there but i constantly feel singled out and my wife does to, yet there are no defined rules on what we need to do….

TYPICALLY right now I would go on a rant about my brother and how he didn’t help for the house appraisal or the pool closing, and any chores he says he’ll do typically fall to my wife for completion but…oh well right, why even keep on that train?

The bottom line of my journey so far….I have learned I will never live up to my family’s expectations nor do I even want to try anymore. The standards set for me are infinitely higher and the expectations are never ending from any given  individual person like my mom or dad, to my aunt or grandpa. I can’t please everyone, especially NEVER at once….

I mean realistically folks, how I can I live up to standards and expectations that are constantly on the rise, with a people who are NEVER happy or even satisfied with what I do?!

SO yeah I’m stressed. my wife’s stressed, the cats are oblivious, and I might need inpatient soon. YAY adulthood.