Archive | October, 2012

the good.

28 Oct

i seen my psychologist for the first time. and my parents are willing to pay while my insurance is not.

and i think mypersonal rule of honesty during sessions will help.( i did learn one great thing from myexfriend, that only presenting to a pscychologist  what i want them to see is counterproductive….my exfriend lied and kept alot from her counselor. in my opinion, to appear to be a wonderful well adjusted person and to be rewarded for her  general awesomeness and reassured of it…)

i even went out of the way to let my psych know that i went to her specifically for ….sexuality issues? fear of lesbianism? im not really sure what to call it. just that i threw out the fact im not straight and thats an issue with me. (and i didnt want to happen upon a psychologist who was overtly religious or LGBT hateful; afterall i currently live in a notoriously “conservative” area. my luck would be to go to my first ever meeting with a psychologist and then get berated or see/hear subtle homophobic comments. my aunt’s husband is a constant reminder of how such people exist.)

however, didnt note how that makes me want to scream. or throw up.

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Aside 28 Oct

very typical of me. i have so much to rant about but no idea on where to start.

maybe with my friend who is MIA? well, in my life. to go from actually having conversations to ——-> nada.

extremely disappointing. but at the least proves that i am not the one who is constantly instigating this repetitive cycle of friends-to nonfriends. (and yet people wonder why i have issues with self-worth?!)

then the looming cloud of doom that is my financial aid status.

or maybe how my graduation date is nonexistent.

on the social front:

joined an  lgbt leadership group but have gotten close to noone nor have i made my opinions known

(an overwhelming majority in said group aka 4 individuals, dont even see the point in samesex marriage)

still havent made it to the actual lgbt group,  partly because their all too fabulous for me

———–No matter how lame this sounds i set goals for myself back in August for this semester and school year. I wanted to join various groups like the Muslim group, the peace group about Middle East issues, a bible study group, the lgbt group, the trans group. I wanted to put myself out there and make friends.  

I wanted to take 5 classes and magically get all As. I wanted to put myself back on track for graduating, even a year late. I wanted to do study abroad summer 2013.  (ya my lack of realistic goals isnt helping me)

And you know how depressing it is to realize that i havent accomplished any of this? and to even know goals like study abroad, months from now, have been ruled out because of GPA? 

Then my relationship for the first time since June has been “good.” we are actually communicating and spendingmore     timetogether. but it stilldoesnt feel right.

i always thought dating my best friend would be a complete win. right now all i can think is maybe sometimes you have a bestfriend for a reason, so why fuck with that…..

ending points i hate my gynecologist. i hate birth control. and next time imdoing bullet points for each topic because this bothers me.

10 Oct

I think I messed up.                       Somehow I barely survived a conversation than later made the mistake  of trying to tell the person via interweb who I am….                  at first I was relieved that at least I put myself out there for friendship. Now I just feel really stupid for even trying to redeem myself.                      Its really hard to answer questions about ones self ESPECIALLY when no one has ever bothered to ask questions
Plus I hate talking about my sexual orientation. Almost had a panic attack at my LGBT group when I admitted it.                                            Fact.

Aside

im disappointed…

4 Oct

im disappointed because…of something maybe that shouldnt disappoint me at all.

i used to think that being the girl who gets stood up (drew barrymore “never been kissed”) was no big deal.

 

now i know what its like to wait around for someone who had no intention of actually being there.

yes im even awkward online.

3 Oct

i am currently laptopless and rely completely on university computers for the internet.

i promise it really isnt TOO exciting sitting in a public area with a bunch of other unknown people typing away….

however, there is endless paper to print on. (win)

my anxiety is on overdrive and my bestfriend is in the psych ward.

yesterday i foundout my wonderful insurance doesnot cover any kind of mental health services like a psychologist.

the one i was seeing for free on campus, i cant go to anymore because my classes interfere with her schedule.

and back to my friend again, he is MIA for the next few days atleast, and i honestly should feel relieved. that he won’t kill himself, or cut himself…………..but im still worried. he hated the idea of even going to one of those places…

tomorrow is going to be such a long day. i have to meet with two out of 5 of my professors about trying to save my grades.

and i am just feeling like a failure because i cant handle 5 classes. i cant handle the work/the readings/ etc that are expected of me but i need to so i can graduate only a year late.

the reason why i was so disappointed about my insurance is because in all honesty, i was hoping they would tell me they’d cover part of each session, and that i was being too negative. ive also been realizing that im not just lazy and putting off homework or not showing up for class, i really do have problems that need to be worked on in order to even have a chance at succeeding.

and im really hoping i donot cry when i talk to my professors tomorrow.

a positive for tomorrow is: im supposed to be meeting someone to talk about….LGBT(?) issues. maybe ill make a friend?! i dont know. i think i scare her, because of course, i messaged her online and she asked me a question and my response was “i dont answer questions” …..joke…hahaha…right?

 

learning my insurance covers nothing is priceless.

2 Oct