Archive | November, 2012

Memento Vivere. Dreams and Fairytales.

30 Nov

Sometimes it’s easy for me to forget, but I’m not really a pessimist or much of a realist either. When I learned to read, books became my escape from the world. I traveled around the world and to places unknown-labeled fiction. I witnessed battles and acts of heroism.  And I experienced sadness, joy, and love alongside my favorite characters. Then there were the dreams that persisted when I closed my eyes at night. I could fly. Most important of all I could be loved in these dreams; unconditionally.

Even now when I have nightmares more than dreams, I take comfort in the fact my brain is still creating. And whenever so often a dream does blossom overnight, I enjoy the simplicity. I enjoy the fact that my dreams aren’t corrupted by sex, fear, insecurities. Honestly, it’s like I still have a part of me left from childhood that is innocent and hopeful; that doesn’t exist anywhere else.

So at the end of the day, when I’m complaining about the world, or people, it’s not because I truly hate either but because I love both so much that I can’t let them…not live up to their potential. I’m critical out of love and concern and because I have faith. ((Apathy would be the opposite of love.))

I feel like that is something my family doesn’t get about me. If I thought the world was even half as awful as they like to believe it is, I wouldn’t be here.

On a similar note, I’ve been thinking a lot about fairytales and true love and happiness. (and yes! I am currently watching Once Upon a Time and Grimm.)

5 years ago, the old me, believed completely in all of the above. Yeah I was annoyed that I was single. And that I had no close friends to share my problems with but I still thought abstract concepts like true love existed and that one day maybe that could happen to me.

Reality is a bitch. When do I give up on dreams? Love?

I sometimes have this doubt that maybe I’m placing my life too much into the What if catergory.

 

27 Nov

Im just waiting to witness holiday hilarity. Last year whilst in line at Macy’s an eldery lady was yelling at the cashier because there was a holiday remix of a popular Bing Crosby song. Yep lady that cashier was conspiring against the greatness of your holiday traditions…see if my holiday season cant be bright and merry i should take joy from others misfortune.
In the realm of reality, Im actually happy because i get to visit my sister before Christmas this year. And spending a week in Florida is just a bonus

22 Nov

I always have a tendency to feeling alone around my family. Even my boyfriend being here hasnt helped

transgender day of remembrance.

20 Nov

yesterday i went to my FIRST LGBT event that was in the “real world” off-campus.

and it was at a church. an all-inclusive LGBT welcoming church, mind you.

i missed the very beginning, that included the reading of the names of trans individuals who have been killed this past year just for being trans.

A number that includes 265 trans individuals.

so the trans community is a minority WITHIN a minority community; and having a few hundred deaths for such a group,  to me, sounds like an extremely high number and unacceptable.

then take into account:  the suicides, suicide attempts, depression, and violence against trans people that are not included.

There were so many trans people of varying backgrounds, allies, and genderqueer people inside the church; a certain beauty in diversity of so many people coming together to show their support and compassion.  And then the undertone message of hope.

I mean there was a trans guy who in the past struggled with depression, whose family still cannot accept him and yet he’s found another family in the community and that of his girlfriend’s.

I’m not sure how anyone can get past the disproval of a parent…it just seems that despite all of the hatred/ignorance/misunderstanding aimed at the trans community, there is strong sense of self and survival. Which in the past, I was told that in hardships that can be the only response, but I know that it’s not a given and just a testament to the human spirit.

Going to this event was so important to me because it reminds me of the individuals being affected and how much work there needs to be done. And that maybe I can do something.

I’m a shy introverted person, so becoming an activist and being/ becoming an ally to trans people is taking me out of my comfort zone, but completely necessary and totally worth any discomfort.

Also, just makes me want to hug everyone….

and some positive stories that I’ve read recently:

http://www.advocate.com/health/living-well/2012/09/25/op-ed-born-mother-even-though-i-was-born-male

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-marra/the-beautiful-daughter-how-my-korean-mother-gave-me-the-courage-to-transition_b_2139956.html#slide=more263238

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/18/stacie-laughton-transgender-new-hampshire-representative_n_2154963.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

and https://www.facebook.com/wipeouttransphobia?ref=stream

Aside 17 Nov

im starting to understand why any psychologist would be worried about their patient(?) seeing more than one pysch at a time.

financial/practical reasons have pushed me into seeing another pysh, and while when all of this was occurring (3 appoints in one week) I was pretty unfazed, and now that ive had time to actually think about the both of them, how their different, w their the same; its confusing.

they both use similar methods and are easy for me to talk to. theyve introduced different ways for me to think about situations and on how to handle my anxiety. and really it is interesting for me to figure out myself in two different situations.

its just the second one i seen, right away made it clear her obvious dislike for my usual psych. and it seemed at times like she was trying to convince ME that she was better at her job….

also, she threw some of my thoughts into even more of a questioning state, which leaves me more anxious….like my sexual orientation is fucked.

i dont like when someone makes broad assumptions about me. that something so personal and confusing to me can be defined or explained by one event. like im simply reacting to one particular event and that none of my past feelings or thoughts matter.

she also put it out there that maybe i should just leave it alone, for now atleast.

but i dont want to and i cant.

counterpoint she brought up that maybe im focusing too much on how other people would react or how it would hurt them, and not enough on me..

i like my normal psych. i dont feel like….im making anything up for her. even though i did leave something out, so i kinda broke a promise i made to myself. honesty.

i really really hope that before christmas i get the multiple appointments out of the way and only have to see one. im seeing the second only so i can see a nurse practitioner about medication, which is on campus and free.

which i feel like my mom would be proud to know. after all, after my very first appointment, thats what she was hoping for and expecting.

i just dont want to take meds and hope they can magically fix me and my problems. i know they cant.

the good: i will be paying 30 dollars per session at my normal psych. compared to the normal 120. so my insurance isnt a complete failure….

crush?

14 Nov

today was a triumph for me because I went to the viewing of a documentary called “Transgender Tuesdays” which I highly recommend. However, this post isn’t about the documentary and its awesomeness, so please google it. 🙂 

today was a triumph because i actually did something i said i was going to do and didnt find a reason to back out. The triumphant, happy part is afterwards I actually talked to another human being. Who I always think of as my fearless leader. (and no thats not a joke.) shes the leader of the LGBT group Im apart of…..and shes always doing something political. i really do think she spends her day in protest, reading, or just being awesome. 

the most awkward part, was telling my boyfriend about my day. at which one point i was like oh guess who I seen? which was kinda defeated by his lack of guessing….

so i seen the girl there that i previously  talked to/tried to befriend. and my bf naturally asked me why didnt you go and talk to her?

which led to the overall awkwardness of the situation. for whatever reason i try really hard to avoid her (which is a non-issue 99% of the time)  and i just cant talk to her. my brain shuts off completely and i just stare at her. i dont want to embarrass myself or to even get close to the possibility of offending her

to my bf that is as good as an admission of secret love towards said person.

and no surprise hes right. 

i have a crush on someone who a.) doesnot like me or b.) doesnot have any kind of opinion on me

and then theres my boyfriend.

peachy keen

9 Nov
1. peachy keen 474 up63 down
 
Unusually fine; dandy.
How are you doing on this lovely Monday day, my dear friend? 
Why, peachy keen, of course, my dearest friend. And you? 
Just swell. Dandy and spiffy, as well.

im having a really hard time trying not to drown in sadness. 

luckily i can swim.

kind of.