Archive | December, 2012


29 Dec

Mr. Darcy: You must know… surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I’d scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

Pride and Prejudice 2005. 

This particular scene is one of my favorites. (I’ve yet to even read the book, still.)

The main point is:  I keep questioning if love like this in the most mutual/passionate/all-encompassing way, does it even  exist? 

Mostly.I don’t think it to be mere fiction…just hard to find or to keep.


And since it’s the 26th…

27 Dec

I feel inclined to post about the not so jolly.

I do love my family, but as with being a part of a family unit, there comes the negatives.

Christmas Day: my younger brother did this annoying thing again, (surprise!) lately he has been in this habit that when I’m around he tries to act all assertive and protective of me, which is supposed to be cute and endearing, but for me is just irksome. When it was time to drive my boyfriend home, my younger brother interjects with a, “why don’t i go along? So when you drop him off your not alone?” then on cue my mom agrees that I shouldn’t be alone and he should go with me.

MAYBE if the weather had been bad I would have agreed, but there was no snow or ice and despite what my parents think, the area my boyfriend lives in isn’t that bad.

I do not like people thinking that because of who I am, a girl, that I can’t do anything on my own. I do not need constant protection. I do not need a man  to take care of me. I do not need my younger brother always at my side “just in case.”

Then when I told my dad I was leaving he made sure to tell me to be careful, but before that   said something about how he was surprised I was going by myself….

Today: I was just disturbed by the things my mom said. I always try to tell myself that my parents, my family, they aren’t really that conservative. And then today happened.

Yes I completely walked into this one. In my opinion hair salons, are breeding grounds for gossip and ignorance. It’s like they are these uber gendered feminine places, that are the embodiment of some of the worst aspects of being female. (vain, superficial, bitchy) oh and ALOT of wasted time tends to accumulate…in these establishments.

My mom’s hair person (?) is pretty nice and she made my hair look and feel amazing, but towards the end I had to listen to her and my mom make fun of lesbian couple (said hair expert refused to be in her friend’s wedding because she “didn’t support the two of them getting married”) and bashing trans people. because apparently two females getting married is just oh so funny and trans people are just creepy. And then I just sat there and stared at them. Just listening to them and how…childish they sounded (and mean/cold/awful) it made me really sad and disgusted.

it makes me feel like I’ll never be able to have any meaningful relationship with my mom and possibly my parents. situations like this make me realize that maybe I did the right thing when I was 16, correction: the more convenient choice, to not tell my parents that I’m gay.

I’m just not sure. There are so many things that I want to say.

Aside 3 Dec

i feel sorry for people that encounter me in the real world. 

i mean i even feel sorry for the people who deal with my interrogations on facebook.

because when the conversation reaches a dead end, my anxiety pushes me to obsess over what could i have possibly typed that killed this virtual conversation.

(further proof of me being a pariah. i cant even virtually succeed at a conversation.)

so logical me sends another message that is bigger then the entire previous conversation explaining in a really disheartening manner that im just trying to meet people. to talk to. 

im very sure that this is not what my psychologist meant by countering my anxiety with “confronting” people.

however, i am learning that i could have friends IF i didnt let my anxiety completely psych me out. and that i appraoch conversations with people in a way that isnt respected by society. 

i ask straightforward questions because im interested in people. im interested in hearing about their experiences and how they interact with the world through their decisions, words, etc. 

i made the mistake of LAST YEAR (see no progress) of trying to befriend someone in my Arabic class and I asked her more questions about herself and life, that had been previously presented in class. And she found me quite odd because for the rest of the semester, I was the person she avoided.

i just dont admire meaningless conversation. i get bored with asking and being expected to ask questions, like “how are you?” not because I DONT care about the answer but in all honesty were expected to say OK or good or fine. its just another trivial question. the words have no real meaning or intent of getting to know the other person and how they really are doing. 

but apparently TO even get to the point of having a meaningful friendship, i have to play that trite game


21 and Female.

2 Dec


2 Dec


some people have kids. i have a cat.