after acknowledging said gay-ness, the inevitable solution is to end my current 4 and half year straight relationship.
the main problem: i’m dating my best friend. and we are extremely codependent on each other..
basically i was convinced that i owed our relationship a second chance, and i fell for it…
so i trade in my own happiness, in exchange for his..
and i’m trying really hard to not think that this was his plan and that everything just happened to work out in his favor.
but when your girlfriend tells you she’s gay and your response is to continue dating….what kind of answer is that?
i’m supposed to feel bad for being attracted to women, for having crushes, because it jeopardizes the integrity of the relationship. somehow my gayness doesnot factor into this at all, its just about me being a bad girlfriend. me being a whore. me not trying hard enough.
i went to the art museum with my dad the other night, which is something we do every so often, just the two of us. He took me to an Ansel Adams exhibit when I was younger…the whole time I just kept looking at him because there’s so much that I want to ask or say to him. I wanted his advice and I kindof just wanted to know if he could still like me after coming out to him. I’m tired of delaying the impossible, I’m tired of fueling my anxiety with any and all possible scenarios.
I just want to live an authetic life where I have some mild acceptance and support. dare i say love?