Aside 21 Jan

after acknowledging said gay-ness, the inevitable solution is to end my current 4 and half year straight relationship.

the main problem: i’m dating my best friend. and we are extremely codependent on each other..

basically i was convinced that i owed our relationship a second chance, and i fell for it…

so i trade in my own happiness, in exchange for his..

and i’m trying really hard to not think that this was his plan and that everything just happened to work out in his favor.

but when your girlfriend tells you she’s gay and your response is to continue dating….what kind of answer is that?

i’m supposed to feel bad for being attracted to women, for having crushes, because it jeopardizes the integrity of the relationship. somehow my gayness doesnot factor into this at all, its just about me being a bad girlfriend. me being a whore. me not trying hard enough.

i went to the art museum with my dad the other night, which is something we do every so often, just the two of us. He took me to an Ansel Adams exhibit when I was younger…the whole time I just kept looking at him because there’s so much that I want to ask or say to him. I wanted his advice and I kindof just wanted to know if he could still like me after coming out to him. I’m tired of delaying the impossible, I’m tired of fueling my anxiety with any and all possible scenarios.

I just want to live an authetic life where I have some mild acceptance and support. dare i say love?

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8 Responses to “”

  1. (e)m January 21, 2013 at 9:35 am #

    Ouch.

    your girlfriend tells you she’s gay and your response is to continue dating….what kind of answer is that?

    A really fucked up one. It means that he either doesn’t believe you, or doesn’t care about your feelings. You deserve better.

    i’m supposed to feel bad for being attracted to women, for having crushes, because it jeopardizes the integrity of the relationship.

    That is coercive emotional manipulation. You deserve better. You are not bad for not being attracted to him. He’s bad for using that against you.

    I just want to live an authetic life where I have some mild acceptance and support.

    I know that feel. Hugs offered if you want them.
    Staying in a relationship to make the other person happy is just going to cause you both more pain in the long run.
    You have my support no matter what you choose to do.

    • colormeanew January 23, 2013 at 3:45 am #

      Em, I love you and thank you 🙂

      • (e)m January 24, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

  2. (e)m January 21, 2013 at 9:36 am #

    sorry, blockquote fail

  3. kp January 21, 2013 at 3:20 pm #

    When I first told my husband I was in love with another woman, he accused me of having an affair with my friend’s husband and with a guy I know on Facebook. He said I was using the gay thing to cover it up. Yes, because having an affair with another woman is so less damaging.

    I too, feel like he is my best friend and I owe him something, but it is at the consequence of my own happiness. I long to be with my gf and live the life I want to live. Being honest about who I love.

    I wish you the best. Thank you for sharing. Glad I’m not alone.

    • colormeanew January 23, 2013 at 3:47 am #

      I really do hope that one day you can choose your own happiness. Goodluck to you as well and thankyou 🙂

  4. transparentguy January 24, 2013 at 3:39 am #

    “I just want to live an authetic life where I have some mild acceptance and support. dare i say love?”

    You do deserve that and more. Much luck to you.

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