29 Oct

over 48 hours without smoking and i ruin that too because Im being petty and self hating.
i hate smoking. i wouldn’t recommend it to anyone ever not even as a one time deal. Smoking started that way for me. I felt  alone and sad with nothing better to do fast forward 6 years later and here i am again alone and sad sitting on a front porch in a city that isn’t mine in front of a house that isn’t mine seeing how many i can smoke till i cant handle anymore. except maybe this is worse because its a bitter fall “morning” and Im insulting myself from the person i love most.
maybe one day i will rid myself of this habit and break the cycle of being alone when there is nothing i want more to be loved and to love .


7 Responses to “fail.”

  1. (e)m October 29, 2013 at 4:06 pm #

    the first 2 weeks quitting are the worst going cold turkey. After that you are no longer physically addicted. But I still crave them every now and then even though I quit back in 2003. The bad thing is that I’m actually allergic to tobacco. I got addicted because my roommates all smoked and everyone we hung out with smoked. I was around it so much, that I got a physical addiction from second hand smoke. But if you can make it 2 weeks, you won’t be physically dependent on them anymore. (I used to smoke a pack a day)

    Good to see you posting again, even if you do hate yourself. I was wondering what happened to you.

    • colormeanew November 18, 2013 at 8:09 pm #

      Im really sorry for not answering sooner Em. I believe i have an allergy problem as well with cigarettes and thankyou for the advice it really is a struggle. what have you been up to?

      • (e)m November 18, 2013 at 9:32 pm #

        A lot. Poetry (including performing my poetry in spoken word communities), sketching, I just auditioned for a devised play.

        I’m unemployed. Dating a couple of women. I’ve been busy.

      • colormeanew November 18, 2013 at 9:36 pm #

        gah!!! Im geeking out over here. spoken word….that seems like fun and liberating. question didnt you move?

      • (e)m November 18, 2013 at 9:39 pm #

        Yeah, I did, and went full time at the same time. I’m in the bay area now. That’s a big part of the reason I’m unemployed.
        Yay transphobia! /snark

      • colormeanew November 18, 2013 at 10:02 pm #

        thats real shitty….how do you like the new area? i thought you moved…but wasn’t sure. Im happy your relationships are good. and Im kind of surprised that area is transphobic

      • (e)m November 18, 2013 at 10:10 pm #

        everywhere is transphobic, and misogynist, San Francisco is certainly better than Montgomery.

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