Archive | February, 2014

religion, life, eh

13 Feb

being raised religious sometimes felt like a prison-all the prayers, confessions, kneeling, sermons,doctrine, and tradition.
i went to see a new psychologist this past week and he is an lgbt Christian. but he angered me. he asked me if I’m bisexual because i mentioned my X. he doesn’t seem to understand what its like growing up catholic and going to private catholic schools (till i graduated) there weren’t out gay people. there wasn’t lesbians and understanding. in fact most of the time homosexuality wasn’t even discussed. it wasnt “real”

i grew up with a sense of unusual interest in women. my friends developed crushes on boys and eventually started dating.  its weird being left behind by your peers and knowing that your parents and your church expect your life to follow a certain path. then i started to develop crushes on women, not my friends, like my teachers.

even when i got t o highschool i avoided relationships and sex.  when i was 15 or 16, my religion class/textbook discussed same sex attraction and how it wasn’t natural and was more sinful than heterosexual ones that were healthy.

i dont know. ive never had a healthy or realistic sense of sexuality . i would avoid looking at people i found attractive, i hated going to places like victorias secrets for bras with my mom and older sister; i’ve always tried really hard  not to look or objectify women.

im not going to lie it was weird at the beginning of my relationship with K, my fiance, because i am attracted to her and i want sex with her. i feel sometimes that maybe she feels unattractive or not desirable because of me . i just don’t know how to verbalize the way i feel about her wholly, or  to appreciate her.

i guess the point of this is to say…why should my sexual orientation be defined for me? or because not too long ago i was in a straight relationship, so i cant be gay…i understand from the people i encounter in person, online, documentaries, etc etc my story of realizing i’m gay isn’t the same as others. i realize i don’t or atleast i try not to act like other people when it comes to relationships/sex… but i do know who i am and how i am.

its frustrating for other people, especially lgbt individuals, to not get me.

on another similar note: purchasing a book about catholicism and homosexuality from a person who is essentially an “ex gay” is never really a good idea. I have only read a few pages and am having extreme problems with it. i think it had slightly to do with the generalization that gay men are naturally promiscuous and can’t stay in a monogamous committed relationship. while lesbians suffer from the death of their sexual/ romantic aspect of their relationsip…and apparently the only way to keep your relationship sexual is to do roleplaying and constantly fantasize about other people because your partner is not really attractive anymore to you…bottomline thus far- you cant be gay and have a committed monogamous relationship like straight married people.

 

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unconditional love and families

10 Feb

it hurts me to think that people out there in the world think they know what being a family is about and unconditional love. both of these concepts mean commitment to a person for life and loving someone at their best AND at their worst. being able to be a better person for them and to help them in anyway. i say this because my fiances “family” via her mother disowned her for being too messed up and broken. ( on Facebook) real family doesnt give up or bail when things get ugly. they realize that this is the time more than ever to be there no matter what. my fiance is struggling with bipolar 1 and has only recently begun to see a psychologist and is on the path of getting help and recovering. yet when she needed her family the most they were selfish and said we cant deal. they cant deal because they don’t want to understand help or love.