religion, life, eh

13 Feb

being raised religious sometimes felt like a prison-all the prayers, confessions, kneeling, sermons,doctrine, and tradition.
i went to see a new psychologist this past week and he is an lgbt Christian. but he angered me. he asked me if I’m bisexual because i mentioned my X. he doesn’t seem to understand what its like growing up catholic and going to private catholic schools (till i graduated) there weren’t out gay people. there wasn’t lesbians and understanding. in fact most of the time homosexuality wasn’t even discussed. it wasnt “real”

i grew up with a sense of unusual interest in women. my friends developed crushes on boys and eventually started dating.  its weird being left behind by your peers and knowing that your parents and your church expect your life to follow a certain path. then i started to develop crushes on women, not my friends, like my teachers.

even when i got t o highschool i avoided relationships and sex.  when i was 15 or 16, my religion class/textbook discussed same sex attraction and how it wasn’t natural and was more sinful than heterosexual ones that were healthy.

i dont know. ive never had a healthy or realistic sense of sexuality . i would avoid looking at people i found attractive, i hated going to places like victorias secrets for bras with my mom and older sister; i’ve always tried really hard  not to look or objectify women.

im not going to lie it was weird at the beginning of my relationship with K, my fiance, because i am attracted to her and i want sex with her. i feel sometimes that maybe she feels unattractive or not desirable because of me . i just don’t know how to verbalize the way i feel about her wholly, or  to appreciate her.

i guess the point of this is to say…why should my sexual orientation be defined for me? or because not too long ago i was in a straight relationship, so i cant be gay…i understand from the people i encounter in person, online, documentaries, etc etc my story of realizing i’m gay isn’t the same as others. i realize i don’t or atleast i try not to act like other people when it comes to relationships/sex… but i do know who i am and how i am.

its frustrating for other people, especially lgbt individuals, to not get me.

on another similar note: purchasing a book about catholicism and homosexuality from a person who is essentially an “ex gay” is never really a good idea. I have only read a few pages and am having extreme problems with it. i think it had slightly to do with the generalization that gay men are naturally promiscuous and can’t stay in a monogamous committed relationship. while lesbians suffer from the death of their sexual/ romantic aspect of their relationsip…and apparently the only way to keep your relationship sexual is to do roleplaying and constantly fantasize about other people because your partner is not really attractive anymore to you…bottomline thus far- you cant be gay and have a committed monogamous relationship like straight married people.



5 Responses to “religion, life, eh”

  1. (e)m February 13, 2014 at 6:30 am #

    It’s perfectly reasonable to be monogamous and gay. People do it all the time. And people can be in committed relationships whether they are monogamous or poly. One of my partners is married (and her wife is awesome). But yeah, I know what you mean with expectations. I went to catholic school for 14 long years, and it really messed me up. I still have problems due to that.

    • colormeanew February 13, 2014 at 10:04 pm #

      oh i know Em. the author for this
      book Im reading makes it seem like if your gay and in a relationship its just missing what straight marriages have.
      Im really happy for you that nonmonogamy works but for me it seems like a no go.
      and yes the catholic church….definitely leaves an imprint on ones life. its weird for me to think a majority of my friends from gradeschool would disapprove of me and my relationship-because they have not had to really challenge their religious beliefs or conservative upbringing since they fit in for being straight

      • (e)m February 14, 2014 at 4:07 pm #

        yeah, knowing that everyone I know from then would despise me isn’t easy. I’m glad your monogamous relationship is working out for you.

  2. DeCaf February 13, 2014 at 2:22 pm #

    sarcasm- Crap, I can’t be monogamous and gay?! I better tell that to my wife of almost five years who is literally the only woman I’ve ever slept with. Clearly I’m doing being gay wrong. /sarcasm

    At least your mom didn’t give you a book where the one lesbian in it molested her own daughter. That was horrible to read about, and the priest who knew about it should’ve reported her to the authorities, not focused on curing whatever he felt was wrong with her.

    • colormeanew February 13, 2014 at 9:57 pm #

      i really really really hope you realized that wasnt my personal opinion but rather what i was getting from the book.
      and damn…i think the series about molestation from the diocese was a better option to endure what you got ….
      also thats really interesting-in a good way- about you and your wife. its that way for me and my fiancee

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