Vent vent vent

3 Oct

Disclaimer: to justify all of my angsty, ventyness, bleh this is my personal life and reflection; try to withhold judgement please
I never thought at 23 I would feel like such a damn mess; physically that is. I had mono a few months ago and now I’m having more problems that have to do with my throat/esophagus/ stomach. Most days I either am extremely tired or it takes very little to make me tired. Everything hurts. Eating makes me nauseous and it just hurts.
My primary dr refuses to see me. And in comes the stress associated with getting medical advice….and the anxiety of classes. ((Yes actual anxiety like i have physical affects from my anxiety thinking about class, let alone when im trying to step foot into the classroom))And with K’s mental health problems. Money issues. My brother and his disconnect from reality. Etc etc etc. (((I feel like my health and personal “woes” arent even worth justifying my less than stellar academic performance. I mean….its my life and I dont even think it sounds reasonable enough to interfere with school)))
However urgent care had a PA that was far better than most of the doctors I’ve seen recently.  I mean she spent more than 5 minutes with me, listened, and threw a bunch of possible theories at me, and FINALLY  did some tests.

And there’s more: voluntary in patient quest looming in the future with K and I don’t trust psychiatry. ..institutions or doctors. I feel like with her sets of problems they would try to keep her for weeks or months and I do not think that would be good at all for K.
And I used to be one of those people, mere months ago, that scoffed at the family and spouses of persons with mental  illness whining about how hard it is on them.
The truth is, all of this is hard. Its difficult to separate K when shes grounded and very much herself and K whose overly paranoid or the K with episodes of which she diesnt know what she says or does.
Its difficult being the person between her and a psych ward. K’s only support system. And its even worse when her doctors her psychatrists, do not listen and tell her if she’s taking whatever pills  they prescribe, all of psychotic features will vanish.  And if those problems persist its because she must be doing drugs, not taking them, or something. But the pill is always the winner and can never do wrong.
So I rant here sometimes to try and make some sense of my life because I have this, K, and our cats.
My family was worried enough about me today.
My friends…..not there//non existent
And this is my life.


6 Responses to “Vent vent vent”

  1. TheChroniclesofaNonBellyMama October 3, 2014 at 4:53 am #

    I’m sorry to hear that things are kinda shitty right now. As the person in my relationship with the mental health stuff, I can say that you are an awesome partner for supporting your lady. Callie was/is in your shoes. I have my moments, and she never turns her back, and that’s what’s the most important thing. As far as psychiatrist/psychologists/therapist go—> I was once told that it’s like dating. You can;t just settle on the first person that you go through. How in the world are you going to tell someone your deepest darkest secrets if you don’t feel safe, accepted, secure and understood. “Date” around, do some shopping, go in for consultation, and when you find the right fit, you will see that it changes your perspective completely. It’s more like going to talk to a friend who gives you really sounds, unbiased advice.

  2. DeCaf October 3, 2014 at 11:52 am #

    People tell you that your early 20s are awesome, they’re full of it or just weird.

    Your early 20s are often rough. Mine were. I didn’t know I was gluten/lactose intolerant, I had very frequent migraines, got sick often, and had horrible depression/anxiety. I still have anxiety, but my depression has pretty much cleared up. I don’t engage is self-harming behaviors anymore and haven’t since my mid 20s.

    What helped was finding a good psychiatrist. I had a lot of bad ones, ones who didn’t listen, who tried a one-sized fits all approach. I’d honestly love to give you a recc if you lived in the Twin Cities, MN area, but I doubt you do. Anyway the doctor was the only one who noticed my anxiety was severe, and gave me a treatment that was effective for that as well as my depression. It didn’t help with the migraines or GI issues, but it was a start that helped me start to find patterns in the other things so I could find out what I needed to avoid.

    I hope you’re able to spend the time/energy to find a mental healthcare provider who works well for you. It’ll really be worth the time spent.

    • colormeanew October 5, 2014 at 4:00 am #

      Thankyou! And your right I do not live remotely close to your area.
      For me, I owe money to the last place I tried to go to and my insurance will only cover so much. I just feel like it’s constantly put on hold.
      Question: Did you depression and anxiety affect you going to class? Or interfere with education at all?

      • DeCaf October 5, 2014 at 3:56 pm #

        I think depression and anxiety affect different people differently. I was alright at showing up to class. Feeling motivated enough to do homework, on the other hand, was very difficult until I got it under control. I found myself spending most of my non-class time trying to cheer myself up or just sitting around in a depressed funk. Some people are more or less functional through mental illness though.

  3. Withlove, Tania October 10, 2014 at 4:12 am #

    Feel better soon!

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