Archive | March, 2015

It’s Not a Magic a trick

2 Mar

Abuse doesn’t just magically disappear. This post, these revelations have been building up inside my mind for months now. I am officially  two years out of an abusive relationship.
However, if someone would have asked me if I had ever been abused a year or 3 years ago I would have thought they were the insane one.
Its taken me two years to realize I was in an abusive relationship and it wasn’t my fault or something I deserved.
My abuse started  out subtley and gradually escalated over time.
I was with my X for nearly 5 years of my life. I thought he truly cared about me, my life, that he respected and loved me. After we were officially done I tried to rationalize the abuse by saying well I can see I pushed him or maybe we were just horrible for each other.
And I’m here to say what a fucking lie.
The last time my X physically abused me was 6-7months after the initial police report, night in jail, and month long no contact order. It was a few months after I told a judge that I felt like he could be helped. It was a few months after he had been in court ordered anger mangement (that I drove him to for…..6 months once a week…maybe more..) on a day that I would have called and still refer to as a good day. WE were having a “good day” News Years Eve when he snapped. Again.
We had been watching twilight zone and eating pizza. We were getting along. And then I went up to him and asked who he was emailing because he left the room to type and his response was rage. Was I being sarcastic or bitchy when I asked him this question? No but it was enough to set him off. He just yelled and yelled, he grabbed me when I turned away and forcibly dragged me into the room while I was kicking and yelling. My memory is blurry but the next thing I remember is wanting to leave but he would not allow it so I lay crying in his bed feeling broken and alone. I felt like my life was over and that I had no one.
After his anger waned I went on.a drive alone. Crusing the ice ridden streets late at night. I had no one to call, no one to talk.
Abusive people are good at what they do. They know a person’s weaknesses and how to isolate. I went with my X away to university 2 hours away from home from family from my friends from everyone that I knew. Over the course of the relationship I would try at times to make friends and be apart of groups but it never lasted. My X would say that I just didn’t feel like it but the truth is I felt like I couldn’t have my own interests, my own friends, my own identity apart from him. Every so often he would tell me I should join a group but surprise surprise it always conflicted with his schedule.
I was always accused of not spending enough time with him.
When in reality, I was always with him. Every day, every meal, after class, befor class, he was there.
I thought there was something wrong with me.
He was creating friendships at university. He was apart of groups. He was doing good academically. He graduted on time. He got into a Master’s program.
And I had no one. I became close friends with depression. I rarely attended class. I dropped most classes. My financial aid dropped me. I had no friends I had no one at a university two hours from home.
Along the way I tried to blame my relationship problems on various things. First it was religious differences, then it was us going in two different directions, and finally I blamed myself for the fights, the tears, the pain, and the loneliness.
The more I think the more I remember  times were the abuse was obvious not only to myself but to roommates and strangers.
Sometimes he would just throw a fit, another time he would take all my books and papers throw them, yell, and walk off when we in the middle of campus.
One time i was driving on the freeway and we were fighting and he was yelling so loud it hurt and then he bit my arm.
Another time he slapped me right across the face. He then started pushing me around physically whe  he was angry, throwing me into the ground. He didn’t leave bruises but isn’t that abuse? 
But it was more than just the physical, the mental was far worse. He always made me feel like I was the crazy irrational one….leaving out details and lying. Because see, he had a life while I didn’t.  He was friends with professors, leader of a student group, friends and more friends….
Today I was just so mad because I vouched for him to the judge that he could and would change, but if that was true would he have hurt me months later? Dragging me across the room with no way out…would he physically have kept me locked in there?
The night the police were called on him, infact, I was so messed up that I was ok with police involvement because I was more worried about him then myself.

So here I am two years later trying to reclaim my life, restore my identity, that was almost disappeared.
Realizing I was being abused and manipulated for years by someone I thought I could trust.  And if anyone thinks that that previous abuse can’t still affect me now or that it didn’t mess with my life. I will tell you this. Before my X i was an A, B student at a private catholic high school. I had ambitions to go into women and gender studies, to become this great activist for women. Two years later I am transferring to.a.different university to gradute, a new city because in 5 years i somehow couldn’t graduate……
I am being diagnosed left and right with severe depression. I physically hurt from my depression and am constantly tired. I am starting a strong antidepressant.
My X, my abuser his life, for now is doing great. New relationship new job, on track for masters degree. From what i know, no one knows about his arrest his abusive “past.”  He took mutual friends with him and a story of me being gay or bitchy or both possibly.
I don’t know. I don’t know how to make sense of any of this but I’m trying.
I guess I’m just trying to say I was abused, I was in an abusive relationship for years, and almost no one knows about it.
But theres still hope for me and my future. And i understand why its so hard to leave an abuser because it can takes years to even process it.
When I was still with him he would try to censor my feelings about his arrest and the abuse by telling me I was trying to get people to hate him. You know all those strangers that I don’t know, who don’t know me, might realize I was being abused.
My current relationship suffers from the trust issues that were bred from my X. Oh And from my X constantly giving me friendly advice to just leave her. I should have realized I had been abused when I was questioning why with K i dont just have a breakdown or yell like how I used to then it seemed to trace back to him. Its not normal to freak out how I used to. Its not normal to be so used to being raged at that when you fight with your current gf, your not too shaken because the thundering voice volume and actions aren’t being used against you, like you were soo used to.