Sinking Ship

10 Jul

I’m pretty critical and hard on myself. Lately I will think about minor things like the tone of this blog and berate myself because its not all hunky dory pure sunshine the kind that inspires and lifts others up or postings about my success in activism and volunteering and oh well look at her she’s making a difference in the community, the world, etc

So here is the truth. I have depression and anxiety. This past weekend I have spent hours of my life crying because well I am depressed. I cry pretty much all the time now. That nasty sobbing kindof crying, the kind of crying I am deeply embarrassed by and ashamed of because at my previous all time worse, I would never have cried this much or felt so inadeaquate. I cry because I feel hopeless. I cry because after each day suicide becomes more and more of a real option and the lines between sanity and rationality are wearing down because suicide isn’t even scaring me anymore.

So here it is let’s be real. It’s hard to be a role model or social justice warrior when your life is consumed by depression and running on hopelessness. It’s hard to speak out on racism and homophobia when  you can’t even speak up for yourself. I don’t know. My most recent low realistcially isn’t even the bottom or the worst to come…I could keep going and talk about the physical pain that accompanies my depression or how it takes so much to even get out of bed each day but bottom line remains: I don’t know how much more I can take




9 Responses to “Sinking Ship”

  1. . July 11, 2016 at 12:22 am #

    Hi. I think you follow my depression blog, where I am journaling my way through. I completely understand where you are. I get it. Because that’s me every day. I encourage you to seek counseling. Or email me if you just need someone to talk to. You are not alone. And even though we both can’t see past this, someone will assure us that it gets better.

    • colormeanew July 11, 2016 at 1:14 am #

      Thanks for your response. Honestly I will probably email you. I currently have a psychatrist and a therapist, but neither seem to be of much help which adds more frustration to my situation. I also want to thankyou again for your kindness, sometimes i need to hear from someone else who understands and is willing to reach out to me. Please feel free to do the same and email me if you become overwhelmed. I’ll try my best to listen and support you.

      • . July 11, 2016 at 1:15 am #

        My email is

      • . July 13, 2016 at 9:45 pm #

        Hello, I’m checking on you.

      • colormeanew July 24, 2016 at 11:50 pm #

        Hi I’m sorry I haven’t emailed yet. I was going to and then silly me I thought life was going abit better
        How have you been?

      • . July 24, 2016 at 11:51 pm #

        I’m still here.

  2. TheChroniclesofaNonBellyMama July 13, 2016 at 7:58 pm #

    From someone who has been through this, and 3 very serious suicide attempts, I have to be honest. Nothing anyone says when you are at this point in your life, will change your mind about how shitty everything feels. It was so terrible for me that i literally stopped my entire life for 2 and a half years. I HAD to. I checked myself into a hospital, did 2 months inpatient, started a partial program which i did for a little voer 2 weeks and then did 2 yeras of outpatient DBT therapy. IT was the hardest, most emotionally draining and exhausting years of my life. I wasn’t working, I lived back at home with my parents after being on my own for almost 10 years and swearing i would never live back with them, and removing myself from this community that I had built in NYC before heading back to the ‘burbs. Trust me! It is NOT easy! It is so so so so so hard. I cannot empahize that enough. Every day, after treatement, I would come home and sleep, for hours! But I’ll tell you what!!! It change my freaking life! After dealing with depression, anxiety, and crippling OCD, for over 10 years, i was actually fucking free! I cannot even emphasize enough how incredible it felt to really just focus on me and focus on fixing things so that i didnt feel that awful way any more. The only thing that I tell people is that you absolutely have to WANT this change to happen. You have to be willing to sacrifice whatever short amount of time (in the spectrum of, i dunno, your entire life!) to know that in the long haul you will be do good! So ready! So happy! The past 5 years of my life, despite some really rough and traumatic and crazy stuff happening, have LEGIT been the best in my life.

    I know that we may not know each other personally, but we know each other though this disease, and in any way that I can help you, I would absolutely be willing…you’ve done the hard part already. You’ve put it out there that shit is hard, and it’s awful, but you don’t want it anymore. That’s not easy to do…

    I hope that things start to ease up a little, friend. Sending light your way…

  3. Searching4Self2013 November 11, 2016 at 7:02 pm #

    Hold on. If you possibly can, hold on. It is dark now. But light is coming. It may be far off, but it is not gone or standing still. The light will return. Please just hold on. You matter. Every life matters. If you can, hold on. 🙏

    • colormeanew November 16, 2016 at 5:29 am #

      Thank you for your kind words. I will keep them close, especially on the darkest of days

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