Personal Update-Not fitting in

7 Mar


So I have recently discovered I need to blog to save my remaining sanity or to regain sanity!

I ended up back home with my parents, aunt, brother, grandpa etc

I would NEVER recommend this to anyone (not even an enemy…) unless it was really necessary aka you will be homeless now or in the immediate future

Don’t do it to please your family, think that you could help them out, WHATEVER

Seriously it is my wife and I, and our 3 beautiful cat babies confined to a single room that neither gets enough heat in the winter OR enough cooling in the summer….

Originally the plan was to move an hour south to Kalamazoo to finish my degree at university, we had the housing lined up, the apartment number in hand


Then I had sneaky doubts and guilt…I hadn’t lived with or near my family in 5-6 years…I was missing out and certain person(s) were having health issues..

I THOUGHT i could live at home and help out when they needed me and peace (or indifference ) would reign supreme….oh the naivete

SO now I’m commuting a minimum of 4 days a week to a university that is 35 minutes away and well….not living the dream.

From my current location I have to drive 20-25 minutes to the closest chain coffee shop and pretty much everything is like that….I have a doctor’s appointment 20 minutes away….need to go to the grocery store another 20 minutes

I do not have much privacy at home nor do I have a place to do homework….

which has led to increasing trips BACK to my uni to do homework for hours on the weekend OR to coffeehouses, especially one that has a bottomless mug gimmick attached to it, while increasing hostilities grow at home… mom resents me being gone so much while my dad thinks I have serious cash because we are gone so much (far from the truth)

ONE example (because there are many)

I do errands, clean up after myself, run errands for my mom sometimes multiple times almost always out of the way…..obviously we do our own laundry, and my wife does chores as well around the house. Other examples: Over the summer when we were packing to leave our independence….apartment….. we helped clean and ready my family’s house for an appraisal then months after that we helped close the pool….

Yet for some reason, my family thinks we do nothing and we don’t get the satisfaction of hearing a simple “thank you” very often at all….

and there are others living there for free way past the expiration of needing to live there but i constantly feel singled out and my wife does to, yet there are no defined rules on what we need to do….

TYPICALLY right now I would go on a rant about my brother and how he didn’t help for the house appraisal or the pool closing, and any chores he says he’ll do typically fall to my wife for completion but…oh well right, why even keep on that train?

The bottom line of my journey so far….I have learned I will never live up to my family’s expectations nor do I even want to try anymore. The standards set for me are infinitely higher and the expectations are never ending from any given  individual person like my mom or dad, to my aunt or grandpa. I can’t please everyone, especially NEVER at once….

I mean realistically folks, how I can I live up to standards and expectations that are constantly on the rise, with a people who are NEVER happy or even satisfied with what I do?!

SO yeah I’m stressed. my wife’s stressed, the cats are oblivious, and I might need inpatient soon. YAY adulthood.




Real Rape?

7 Mar

So right now I’m stumbling through a piece on sexual harassment on the internet…..

At first I was very stubborn to this idea that sexual harassment online could be potentially harmful then I wondered….seriously I doubted the validity of any information that could come from this article that I’m reading for my Sociology of Gender class (I pretty much never question my professor or her authority; I mean she has a PHD and has read 100s of books on gender, WHO AM I TO QUESTION THAT?!?!)

AND then I wondered could perhaps my recent incident online be connected to SH?!

So I found an article that a “progressive left wing feminist” person on my friend list had liked on FB.

Essentially this “feminist” had liked a criticism of an article on rape and blurred lines, a particularly angry woman saying that the raped demographic in this article were not actually raped and could not nor should they cry wolf…obviously they hadn’t even been raped. 

Why would a self-proclaimed feminist woman from the 21st century buy into this crap one might ask?

Because the article itself was written by a woman (and with other women in mind from similar situations) that had technically not taken away consent but visibly did not want sex. No these weren’t one stand situations but rather with a well-established partner….

Perhaps I’m doing a poor example of describing this reaction/ criticism of the women and the actual article itself.

From my experience, in my first serious relationship that was a “straight” relationship because I was in fact with a hetero, cis male, this happened to me quite often.

I was not suffering from mere regret of having bad sex (as the critical woman stated) but rather I had an established friendship with my then boyfriend which then turned into a real relationship of which he knew me very well.

There were lets say…a dozen or more times that during sex my ex boyfriend noticed I was visibly uncomfortable and did not seem to want sex because of my facial expressions, body language, and lack of any positive words, sounds, etc

Sometimes he would even ask if we should continue….usually he didn’t care what my response was or if i even had one. good, bad, etc grossly enough I have heard the argument, “well I’m almost done so…..”

And it made me so mad that these feminist women of today were arguing that wasn’t a gray area, that couldn’t even be considered rape…..

I hadn’t given my continuous consent, sometimes I didn’t even know what I had wanted, nor did I have the time or space to decide my consent seemed to be decided for me.

Maybe this doesn’t seem like “real rape” to some of you as well, I can’t change that for you.

All I can give is my opinion, personal experiences and let it be known via some media that I have had sexual experiences that existed in a weird gray area, and at some points bled its way into a raped experience.

All I can say is that in the past, I was disempowered and my partner knew me well and would even realize when he was overstepping some boundary he shouldn’t have been….

Because yes I believe it’s completely possible for a partner to know you well enough to know you do not want sex and they shouldn’t push it.

End of story I actually reported this to FB to be reviewed because there was a woman saying that these women were lying about being raped and they were just dissatisfied with their sex lives and they shutup and stop complaining because it’s nothing like being raped. And FB did nothing….they supposedly reviewed my request and said well its not really hateful or sexist or anything…..have a good day! I even wrote them back saying they should not be tolerating sexism, discrimination, and making rape into a punchline

I never report to FB either. But I would do it again.

Is not rape about consent and power folks? Is not rape that can happen to anyone in any context? IF A SPOUSE can be raped, than how is this too not an example of rape?

what is REAL rape anyways?!





The Perpetually Unhappy Blogger

3 Aug

I was excited for the future and transferring schools, and well moving on with my life.
I’ve been diagnosed with a more mild form of bipolar or i guess something with a very similar symptom set to bipolar and is a mood disorder.. . I’m getting tested for Autism soon.
Both positives because atleast this way I can get treatment that matches up with my reality. I’m starting the process of being medicated not for just depression but a mood disorder that is hypomanic as well.
It’s kinda a great relief and at the same time scary because I’m not sure how long it will take to actually see inprovement.
Which leads into my next point, I’m  moving in the next few weeks. So I have to give up the first therapist that actually seems to understand me and seems to be helping me because of the move and start all over again.
And we are moving in with my parents….and my brother and my aunt and my grandpa and his girlfriend….
Shit is about to get real.

It’s Not a Magic a trick

2 Mar

Abuse doesn’t just magically disappear. This post, these revelations have been building up inside my mind for months now. I am officially  two years out of an abusive relationship.
However, if someone would have asked me if I had ever been abused a year or 3 years ago I would have thought they were the insane one.
Its taken me two years to realize I was in an abusive relationship and it wasn’t my fault or something I deserved.
My abuse started  out subtley and gradually escalated over time.
I was with my X for nearly 5 years of my life. I thought he truly cared about me, my life, that he respected and loved me. After we were officially done I tried to rationalize the abuse by saying well I can see I pushed him or maybe we were just horrible for each other.
And I’m here to say what a fucking lie.
The last time my X physically abused me was 6-7months after the initial police report, night in jail, and month long no contact order. It was a few months after I told a judge that I felt like he could be helped. It was a few months after he had been in court ordered anger mangement (that I drove him to for…..6 months once a week…maybe more..) on a day that I would have called and still refer to as a good day. WE were having a “good day” News Years Eve when he snapped. Again.
We had been watching twilight zone and eating pizza. We were getting along. And then I went up to him and asked who he was emailing because he left the room to type and his response was rage. Was I being sarcastic or bitchy when I asked him this question? No but it was enough to set him off. He just yelled and yelled, he grabbed me when I turned away and forcibly dragged me into the room while I was kicking and yelling. My memory is blurry but the next thing I remember is wanting to leave but he would not allow it so I lay crying in his bed feeling broken and alone. I felt like my life was over and that I had no one.
After his anger waned I went on.a drive alone. Crusing the ice ridden streets late at night. I had no one to call, no one to talk.
Abusive people are good at what they do. They know a person’s weaknesses and how to isolate. I went with my X away to university 2 hours away from home from family from my friends from everyone that I knew. Over the course of the relationship I would try at times to make friends and be apart of groups but it never lasted. My X would say that I just didn’t feel like it but the truth is I felt like I couldn’t have my own interests, my own friends, my own identity apart from him. Every so often he would tell me I should join a group but surprise surprise it always conflicted with his schedule.
I was always accused of not spending enough time with him.
When in reality, I was always with him. Every day, every meal, after class, befor class, he was there.
I thought there was something wrong with me.
He was creating friendships at university. He was apart of groups. He was doing good academically. He graduted on time. He got into a Master’s program.
And I had no one. I became close friends with depression. I rarely attended class. I dropped most classes. My financial aid dropped me. I had no friends I had no one at a university two hours from home.
Along the way I tried to blame my relationship problems on various things. First it was religious differences, then it was us going in two different directions, and finally I blamed myself for the fights, the tears, the pain, and the loneliness.
The more I think the more I remember  times were the abuse was obvious not only to myself but to roommates and strangers.
Sometimes he would just throw a fit, another time he would take all my books and papers throw them, yell, and walk off when we in the middle of campus.
One time i was driving on the freeway and we were fighting and he was yelling so loud it hurt and then he bit my arm.
Another time he slapped me right across the face. He then started pushing me around physically whe  he was angry, throwing me into the ground. He didn’t leave bruises but isn’t that abuse? 
But it was more than just the physical, the mental was far worse. He always made me feel like I was the crazy irrational one….leaving out details and lying. Because see, he had a life while I didn’t.  He was friends with professors, leader of a student group, friends and more friends….
Today I was just so mad because I vouched for him to the judge that he could and would change, but if that was true would he have hurt me months later? Dragging me across the room with no way out…would he physically have kept me locked in there?
The night the police were called on him, infact, I was so messed up that I was ok with police involvement because I was more worried about him then myself.

So here I am two years later trying to reclaim my life, restore my identity, that was almost disappeared.
Realizing I was being abused and manipulated for years by someone I thought I could trust.  And if anyone thinks that that previous abuse can’t still affect me now or that it didn’t mess with my life. I will tell you this. Before my X i was an A, B student at a private catholic high school. I had ambitions to go into women and gender studies, to become this great activist for women. Two years later I am transferring to.a.different university to gradute, a new city because in 5 years i somehow couldn’t graduate……
I am being diagnosed left and right with severe depression. I physically hurt from my depression and am constantly tired. I am starting a strong antidepressant.
My X, my abuser his life, for now is doing great. New relationship new job, on track for masters degree. From what i know, no one knows about his arrest his abusive “past.”  He took mutual friends with him and a story of me being gay or bitchy or both possibly.
I don’t know. I don’t know how to make sense of any of this but I’m trying.
I guess I’m just trying to say I was abused, I was in an abusive relationship for years, and almost no one knows about it.
But theres still hope for me and my future. And i understand why its so hard to leave an abuser because it can takes years to even process it.
When I was still with him he would try to censor my feelings about his arrest and the abuse by telling me I was trying to get people to hate him. You know all those strangers that I don’t know, who don’t know me, might realize I was being abused.
My current relationship suffers from the trust issues that were bred from my X. Oh And from my X constantly giving me friendly advice to just leave her. I should have realized I had been abused when I was questioning why with K i dont just have a breakdown or yell like how I used to then it seemed to trace back to him. Its not normal to freak out how I used to. Its not normal to be so used to being raged at that when you fight with your current gf, your not too shaken because the thundering voice volume and actions aren’t being used against you, like you were soo used to.

18 Oct


New addition to the cat family. 🙂
Little Roo. She was found outside and technically the ones who found her didn’t/couldn’t care or keep her.
Sooooo cat#3
4-5months old and by far our healthiest kitten. Loves to cuddle and the best part being, Roo and Stitch already have a relationship where they will play together.


This is a happy time compared to all the other junk going on.

Vent vent vent

3 Oct

Disclaimer: to justify all of my angsty, ventyness, bleh this is my personal life and reflection; try to withhold judgement please
I never thought at 23 I would feel like such a damn mess; physically that is. I had mono a few months ago and now I’m having more problems that have to do with my throat/esophagus/ stomach. Most days I either am extremely tired or it takes very little to make me tired. Everything hurts. Eating makes me nauseous and it just hurts.
My primary dr refuses to see me. And in comes the stress associated with getting medical advice….and the anxiety of classes. ((Yes actual anxiety like i have physical affects from my anxiety thinking about class, let alone when im trying to step foot into the classroom))And with K’s mental health problems. Money issues. My brother and his disconnect from reality. Etc etc etc. (((I feel like my health and personal “woes” arent even worth justifying my less than stellar academic performance. I mean….its my life and I dont even think it sounds reasonable enough to interfere with school)))
However urgent care had a PA that was far better than most of the doctors I’ve seen recently.  I mean she spent more than 5 minutes with me, listened, and threw a bunch of possible theories at me, and FINALLY  did some tests.

And there’s more: voluntary in patient quest looming in the future with K and I don’t trust psychiatry. ..institutions or doctors. I feel like with her sets of problems they would try to keep her for weeks or months and I do not think that would be good at all for K.
And I used to be one of those people, mere months ago, that scoffed at the family and spouses of persons with mental  illness whining about how hard it is on them.
The truth is, all of this is hard. Its difficult to separate K when shes grounded and very much herself and K whose overly paranoid or the K with episodes of which she diesnt know what she says or does.
Its difficult being the person between her and a psych ward. K’s only support system. And its even worse when her doctors her psychatrists, do not listen and tell her if she’s taking whatever pills  they prescribe, all of psychotic features will vanish.  And if those problems persist its because she must be doing drugs, not taking them, or something. But the pill is always the winner and can never do wrong.
So I rant here sometimes to try and make some sense of my life because I have this, K, and our cats.
My family was worried enough about me today.
My friends…..not there//non existent
And this is my life.

Religious divide

31 Aug

I can now say I completely understand why other lgbt people have abandoned with the faith tradition they grew up in/ apart of, switched churches, converted to an entirely different religion, or thrown religion out completely.

My faith tradition I was raised in states I have an attraction to the same sex that is unnatural and disordered. If I were to becoming a practicing member again I would have to end my relationship, be celibate,  give up on having biological children entirely AND adoption as well..implicitly I would probably have to stay out of any type of pro lgbt activism and ultimately it would be preferred I kept my ssa to my self.
My straight counterparts do not even have to contemplate denying who they or question this theology because they “fit” just don’t understand.
I have to accept “progressive” churches as being my future, or to walk away…

Two thoughts: isn’t it kind of weird how simply identifying as a member of the

lgbt community is associated in christian circles with being a home wrecker or destroyer of the family? Like being gay suddenly makes you unapproachable because you will ruin their perfection. . 
And then if the lgbt person doesn’t want to be around family members that preach their bigotry on race, gender, homosexuality; your seen as the problem….but it’s socially/morally acceptable to shun the lgbt person? Or to ignore parts of their life that are “immoral”
(((And yes I have been reading a lot of conservative/traditional/ christian blogs….One gem was from a parent whose sibling is gay so she and her husband make sure their kids are never alone with their gay uncle AND one of them is within a few feet at all times, while another asserted their kids would never know this family member is gay and their partner would always be labeled as a friend))))