I’m pretty critical and hard on myself. Lately I will think about minor things like the tone of this blog and berate myself because its not all hunky dory pure sunshine the kind that inspires and lifts others up or postings about my success in activism and volunteering and oh well look at her she’s making a difference in the community, the world, etc
So here is the truth. I have depression and anxiety. This past weekend I have spent hours of my life crying because well I am depressed. I cry pretty much all the time now. That nasty sobbing kindof crying, the kind of crying I am deeply embarrassed by and ashamed of because at my previous all time worse, I would never have cried this much or felt so inadeaquate. I cry because I feel hopeless. I cry because after each day suicide becomes more and more of a real option and the lines between sanity and rationality are wearing down because suicide isn’t even scaring me anymore.
So here it is let’s be real. It’s hard to be a role model or social justice warrior when your life is consumed by depression and running on hopelessness. It’s hard to speak out on racism and homophobia when you can’t even speak up for yourself. I don’t know. My most recent low realistcially isn’t even the bottom or the worst to come…I could keep going and talk about the physical pain that accompanies my depression or how it takes so much to even get out of bed each day but bottom line remains: I don’t know how much more I can take